Roundtables? Roundup.

Last week was, uh, not so good in the whole "posting new content" realm. Oh sure, we got around to some things, but when the number 1 tag of the week is "functionality" which is a fancy way of saying "post about how we don't have time to post" that ain't good.

I did host the Big Ten Blogger's roundtable, which was done "Jeopardy" style; I provided the answers, and the bloggers provided the questions. The participating blogs:

Off The Tracks
Enlightened Spartan
Happy Hour Valley
Maize and Blue Nation
Varsity Blue
The Nittany Line
Maize n' Brew
Boiled Sports
Lake the Posts
Ground Zero East Lansing
Black Heart Gold Pants
The Buckeye Battle Cry

Chances are you've read it already, but Black Heart Gold Pants used the format to launch into a celebrity Jeopardy parody of sorts involving JoePa. Read it, like, right now. No seriously, read it, then come back.

Now that you're back, lets take a look at some of the answers I provided, along with the correct questions:

Answer: Jay Paterno and the Spread HD

Most (read: all) went with a play on the fact that "spread" could applied to your legs, and that "HD" sounded a lot like "VD." The correct question, however, was "How the hell is this working so well" or "Surely Jay's just getting lucky here, right?"

Answer: Joe Tiller's Mustache

Full points to Maize n' Brew, who knew that whenever Joe Tiller's name is invoked, the correct answer is always:


Answer: The Color Purple

The correct question, of course, was "What is the classic novel by Alice Walker chronicling the life of Celie, a poor black woman in the rural South." Christ, do none of you read?

We also accepted "The color of Pat Fitzgerald's penis"

Answer: Brains

Full points all around here, as most took this softball and lobbed it out of the park. The correct answer was "What's for dinner?"

Answer: Hawkeye State

Hawkeye State is not Iowa, nor is it the "state" of fans of Iowa. I thought this was clear, and apparently it wasn't. I meant Iowa Blogger "Hawkeye State" of BHGP. We would have accepted anything involving an Elephant Walk.

Answer: Rudy

We accepted both Varsity Blue's succinct response of "Shitty Midget" as well as Happy Hour Valley's more lengthy response of "Who is a giant douche that managed to be the subject of an “inspiring film” about his lame-ass story of walking on to America’s most hated college football team and going from towel boy to getting a sack in his final home game despite being offsides?"

Answer: Knee Ligaments

The correct response was, of course, "aaaaaaaaaairgggggg" or any variation thereof.

Answer: Terrelle Pryor

Varsity Blue, again: "Why am: I fucking terrified of Ohio State?"

We also would have accepted any variation of "dumbo" "radar ears" or "holy hell this kid is going to destroy everything in his path for the next 3 years god-damnit why the hell does Ohio State get these kids, Columbus isn't even that cool, fuuuuuuck."

Answer: Mark May

Ground Zero East Lansing sums it up thusly: "Who is the biggest benefactor of the "Ugly Friend" effect? You know the theory - all sets of girls have one ugly friend that makes the others look better by comparison. Who is Mark May's ugly friend? You guessed it...Lou Holtz"

Answer: Rich Rodriguez

Boiled Sports: Who fooled Michigan?

Well played, for this season.

And that wraps up the wrap up. Sorry for the delay, and enjoy your Monday!

A Letter From Philedelphia Cream Cheese:

Note from Editor: Please read THIS before continuing.

Dear Mr. Tiller,

First and foremost, we'd like to thank you for your continued patronage and support of our product. It positively warms our cheese filled hearts to know that we contribute even an ounce (or 20!) of happiness to you and your family. Did you know that healthy living is 90% happiness and 10% nutrition and exercise*? Or that Philadelphi Cream Cheese, with its smooth, rich taste can contribute to that happiness up to 65%*? So damn the torpedoes Joe! The crestor won't help you with happiness! If we may put on our own white coats here, I'd recommend doubling your daily intake.

Now, about these letters we've been receiving. As you can see, we're most pleased that you enjoy our products. In fact, sales in central Indiana have never been stronger. We're all for the occasional pat on the back here at PCC, but this has gotten out of hand. It started casually enough, a simple letter stating how much you've enjoyed our product, but recently you've sent some pictures that are...shall we say...a tad over the top. In fact, we've been getting pictures of you "posing" with our product for exactly 124 days running. We've tolerated the anecdotes about your former player's nicknames, and what - exactly - they do with their male members. And, as I stated before, we've received the pictures. Your last letter contained this picture:


Now you see, this is where we, as a company, must draw the line. If you would like to send a picture of you and your family enjoying Cream Cheese, by all means...ah...wait a second. You'd better not send that either. In fact, don't send us another letter. Just go ahead and fill up your bathtub with our product, go under, and never ever come up you CLOGGED TUB OF PROCESSED LARD.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG YOU'VE MADE MY LIFE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE? I HAVE AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION! I AM NOT HERE TO RESPOND TO YOUR NEAR DAILY LETTERS!

FUCK!

I JUST...

FUCK!

I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS. Hang on. Let me pull it together. It started out cool man - Joe Tiller just wrote me a letter. Me! Of all people! You must have taken my kind response - hand signed and written, mind you - as a little sign from above to just keep going. And you just kept going. Kept writing letters. Kept sending disgusting pictures. WELL I'M THE FUCK OVER IT. And I'm SCARED!

I'm scared to death of your retirement. You see, I was a college football fan. Dare I say, I was even a Penn State fan - meaning I was a fan of your OWN DAMN CONFERENCE. The operative word here is "was." You see, now I look forward to those glorious 4 months in the fall because you STOP WRITING. I can't STAND to watch football anymore, because all I see is your warm pudgy body covered in cheese. You've ruined it man, you've ruined me.

And now what? After this season, it could be all Philedelphia Cream Cheese, all the time. I shudder to think of the scenarios you can film yourself in involving our product with all your attention devoted to it. I'm starting to twitch. My therapist says I need to relax, but I can't because EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY I SEE YOUR GAWDDAMN NAME IN MY MAILBOX.

I'm trying to hold it together man, I'm trying. But please, STOP WRITING ME before I have to end it all in the giant Cheese Processing machine right outside my office window. I'll jump man. Don't think it hasn't crossed my mind.

Sincerely,

The Philadelphia Cream Cheese Company

* Statistics researched at the Philadelphia Cream Cheese institute, which isn't even science. Not at all. All it is is a vain hope that if you eat more Cream Cheese, you will eventually DIE YOU FAT BASTARD.


(Terrorist Fist Jab - BHGP)